Re-discovering Me

I find it fascinating and also a little sad at how easy it to lose sight of one's self once in a relationship. If you spend enough time with one person of course you will get to know them and find out what you have in common, and what you don't. But for me, in long term relationships and my past marriage especially, it had always been a little to easy for me to lose sight of who I was all together. I loved my husband, sure, I also had my own individual things going on, but really, I started living for him, and stopped living for myself. I spent so much time wondering what he wanted and trying to make him happy, that I practically forgot that my happiness should exist too.

 In an abusive relationship, it's especially hard to have a decent sense of one's self. I spent so much time trying to make sense of the chaos and the drama, and trying to process what was happening to me and to our marriage that my individuality was basically a distant memory. In fact I spent so much of my late teen and young adult life in relationships that this past four months is literally the longest I have ever been single. I never considered myself to be one of those women that needed a man in her life, but I was never single long enough to really validate that. Now that I am not in a relationship, I couldn't be any more aware of how blissful it is. I love love, and I love companionship, and I think people in healthy, happy relationships are incredibly lucky. But after spending four years with someone who I loved completely , who I don't even think understood what love truly was, I am now thoroughly enjoying learning to love myself. I know that eventually I will come across an amazing man, who will truly love me for me, but I am in no hurry, and until then I am honestly enjoying this journey of self-discovery.

Since I never really took the time before to discover who I truly am, I was sort of at a loss on where I should start. I know I love art. I have been drawing since I can remember, and I recently took up painting which is just so fantastic, I can't believe I waited so long to try it. I have also always been really into journaling. Writing down my feelings has always been theraputic (as I'm sure it is for many). So I know I possess creativity in abundance, which is great for a lot of reasons, including helping my healing process. But that was really it, I didn't know what else I wanted, or needed. Who am I? Well, I didn't really share this with anyone, trying to figure it out on my own, and trying to make sense of everything, so when my two best friends came to visit me for christmas and we exchanged gifts...I was elated at what they had gotten me. Colleen got me an art journal, combining two of my favorite things, art and journaling, where I could literally doodle my way to self discovery, and Crystal got me a journal that also combined two of my favorite things, journaling and listmaking. It's called List Yourself, and it uses list making as a way to self discovery. Now Col and Crys and I have been best friends for 16 years, and when I say they know me better then I do, it's not an exaggeration. They couldn't have found more perfect gifts for me if they tried, and I was beyond excited  to finally have a way to start finding out who I am.

Naturally, I got started with both gifts right away, doodling and making lists to my hearts content, all the while learning more and more about me. I chose a couple lists from my list Yourself  journal to share. I'm sure there will be more, but these are just a few of the ones that have been my favorite so far.

List the animals that really scare you
Spiders (not an animal, but c'mon,definitely number one any list of scary things)
Racoons (they walk really weird and have really scary beady eyes. i also always assume their rabid..lol)
Poisonous snakes
Coyotes
Mountain lions
Possums (have you ever looked in a possums eyes? They are fucking terrifying)
Sharks
Weird deep sea creatures ( the fear of the unknown things in the sea has always plagued me.)
Vultures (they are gross and also have terrifying eyes, plus they will look right at you)
Scorpions
Anything with rabies (I literally have nightmares of being bit by any animal foaming at the mouth)
Mean geese (this one makes me laugh but it's true, geese are strong and fast and usually mean as hell)

List your typical daydreams
Getting a great job where I make good money.
Getting a car thats in decent shape, and one that I can also afford (nobody wants a repo)
Saving so much money that I never have to worry about bills, because they will always be paid.
Getting my own place (I have never lived by myself before and at this point I would find it liberating)
Eventually finding a man who is amazing and honest and who loves everything about me.
Being able to take a trip somewhere beautiful with my Mom.
Being able to be completely healed from the abuse that I have suffered.

List the transitions in your life that taught you the most

Graduating Highschool , deciding I didn't want to go to college, going to beauty school instead, quitting beauty school and realizing I was an adult and had to work for the rest of my life and actually pay attention to my responsibilities.

The first time I moved out on my own and realized how hard it was, then when I moved back home and had a new found respect for everything my Mom did for me.

Getting married and realizing how much work a marriage is and how marriage really does change things.

Leaving my abusive husband and realizing that no amount of companionship and alleged love is worth any amount of abuse; that feeling of strength and freedom I felt when I left is something I will never ever forget.

Some of the lists are harder to complete then others, and they all take some serious thought, but with each one I complete I learn a little more about the person I truly am. Discovering who I am is more exhilarating then I ever imagined it could be and I honestly can't wait to get to  know me better.

New Beginnings

K..so it's three in the morning and I could probably sleep if I tried hard enough, but I can't get the idea of starting a blog out of my head. And it's not just because I had a binge-a-thon of HBO's Girls (fan-fucking-tastic show btw) and there's all that writing and shit.
My reasons for blog yearning are three fold. 1- my creativity is my outlet. Drawing, painting, singing and apparently writing all put me in my creative happy place where my stresses are released, and all is right with the world..or at least my world..for the moment. 2- I need to be in that happy place as much as possible right now, because as a survivor of domestic abuse, who is currently going through a very new, barely started divorce, from my abusive, incarcerated, eventually ex-husband who I pretty much escaped from four months ago, I desperately need to talk about what I'm going through. Therapy is okay, but it only happens once a month and I need a more constant form of venting. And finally reason number 3- While I'm not sure anyone will even read this blog, which might at times be both lengthy and heavy, I would love to think that somewhere there might be someone who reads it that I can help. Maybe someone who is in the same abusive situation I was in, and needs just a little more strength to help them leave; or even someone who was, but currently is not in an abusive relationship, but might just want someone to relate to.  Even if no one reads it, it will make me feel better, so that's a win for sure.
I definitely need this blog right now, for healing purposes. I'm hoping I will write often enough, although I'm not really sure of blog etiquette since I had one blog, once, and I wrote maybe three whole posts. In my defense though, I started that blog (delusionally named Happily Ever After) based on my giddiness about my new marriage. Ironic right? and while at that time the relationship wasn't as abusive or as terrible as it ended up, somewhere deep inside I knew it was and always had been astronomically far away from "happily ever after". And now that I look back on the whole thing, we probably never should have gotten married and I obviously should have left the first time he hit me. But excuses and love kept me around. And those two assholes also convinced me that getting married would solve things...since you know...that's always the answer to a shitty relationship (side bar...that was sarcasm, so I hope hope if your reading this, you both get and also enjoy sarcasm). I digress, I guess all that shittyness didn't give me much motivation to write (or lie) about how not shitty things were. There was a decent period of time when things, in fact, weren't shitty at all,  but again, I think I knew in my gut that they wouldn't stay that way, so my life at that time was definitely not blog worthy.
This journey though, my journey, of literally starting over and finding out who I really am, amidst ending my marriage and trying to heal from everything that's happened...this needs a blog. And I need another happy place. So this blog will be just that. Now, since it's well past three and my cat just woke up to look at me with an attitude, clearly annoyed that I am typing too loud, I believe that that's my cue to finally go to sleep.