My Mom

I can't imagine what my life would be like without my family and friends, most especially my Mom. Growing up, while I loved my Mom, and definitely valued our relationship, I also think I took for granted a lot that she did for me. I can't imagine how hard it must be for a single Mom to raise her daughter living paycheck to paycheck, but my Mom did it, and I never wanted for anything. I wasn't spoiled by any means, but my Mom always made sure I always had everything I needed, including a fantastic role model, a wonderful friend, and the best Mom that anyone could ask for. She always listened to me and gave me the best advice, but at the same time, she gave me space to be my own person and also let me make my own mistakes (and boy did I make plenty, lol) and she always helped me learn from them.

Being a teenager that obviously knew everything, I went through those stages where my Mom couldn't tell me shit, and I was always right. However, once I moved out for the first time and actually had to pay bills (or tried to) and support a household on very little, I quickly realized, not only how hard it is, but just how hard my Mom had to work to make our lives what they were.

I have to think that it's common for kids to grow up and gain a new found respect for their parents, once they actually have to start accepting their responsibilities and especially when they move out for the first time. Like a lot of young adults, I quickly realized that, not only was I not always right about everything (go figure) but also that my Mom really did know best. She's smart, resilient and strong as hell, and I credit her for helping me become the woman that I am today. She never thought twice about telling me how proud she was of me, and she never thought twice about letting me know when I was doing something not so great, but through it all, she still gave me the space I needed to become me.

The morning I left my husband, the first person I called was her. 8 am and 2 1/2 hours away, I called her just because I needed to hear her voice. And while there was nothing she could physically do for me at the moment, I just needed her to tell me hat everything would be okay, and she did. She's pretty intuitive, and while she knew that something with my marriage wasn't right, I never let her know the truth about what was going on, until that morning. I know how terrifying everything was for me, and I can't imagine how she must have felt sitting on the phone so far away from me when I told her that my husband was abusive, and that I literally just escaped from him. But whatever she felt, fear, sadness, anger at him, whatever emotions she was going through, the only thing she let me hear in her voice was support. As I sat sobbing in the freakin Kmart parking lot, at the worst time in my life, she told me she was happy that I was out of that situation, and that she loved me, and that she was proud of me for having the strength to leave. Those words meant more to me at that moment, than anything that anyone could have said.

I was terrified to tell her everything, mostly because I had been lying to her for four years, and I hated every minute of it. She was the first person I told, and it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. She stayed so calm, which gave me the opportunity to just let go, which I needed to do. And even though she was crying with me, and for me, I heard nothing but love in her voice, and enough strength for the both of us. She called my Grandmom to come meet me, and called me back to give me step by step instructions about going to the hospital and calling CVC and the police. And throughout that entire day, she was with me every step of the way, even if she couldn't physically be there.

I had a lot of decisions to make over the next few days and she was supportive of all of them. She too was a victim of domestic assault (a former boyfriend) and still dealing with PTSD, she knew the toll that a situation like this could take, and how quickly one's circumstances could change, and also how difficult the decisions can be, even when circumstances change for the better. So in the most difficult time of my life, she offered me her home, her advice and her unconditional love...no judgments included.

My healing process has not been easy, including my horrendous outbursts of anger I experienced (due to depression and PTSD) before I got my medicine. And I felt terrible that my Mom had to even be around it, but she understood, and she never faltered. She was my rock, and still is.

In my List Yourself journal there is a list that would be perfect to share in this post...

List the things you'd like to say to your Mother
1. You're the reason I turned out so well.
2. I admire your strength.
3. I wish I had your work ethic.
4. Sorry you had to put up with my temper and my ever changing moods.
5. Thank you for always making sure I always had everything I needed, even if it meant that you went without.
6. Your positivity inspires me.
7. I admire the fact that you're an independent woman who doesn't need a man in her life to make her happy.
8. You are one of my best friends.
9. I could not have made it through these last four months without you.
10. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me.

I am beyond lucky to have such an amazing woman as my Mom, and I am truly grateful for everything she has done for me, past and present. She is helping me heal, and everyday, she continues to give me the loving support I need to help me become myself again. And I know that throughout this journey, through all the ups and the downs that I will have (hopefully more ups than downs) that I will always have my amazing Mom in my corner. <3

Re-discovering Me

I find it fascinating and also a little sad at how easy it to lose sight of one's self once in a relationship. If you spend enough time with one person of course you will get to know them and find out what you have in common, and what you don't. But for me, in long term relationships and my past marriage especially, it had always been a little to easy for me to lose sight of who I was all together. I loved my husband, sure, I also had my own individual things going on, but really, I started living for him, and stopped living for myself. I spent so much time wondering what he wanted and trying to make him happy, that I practically forgot that my happiness should exist too.

 In an abusive relationship, it's especially hard to have a decent sense of one's self. I spent so much time trying to make sense of the chaos and the drama, and trying to process what was happening to me and to our marriage that my individuality was basically a distant memory. In fact I spent so much of my late teen and young adult life in relationships that this past four months is literally the longest I have ever been single. I never considered myself to be one of those women that needed a man in her life, but I was never single long enough to really validate that. Now that I am not in a relationship, I couldn't be any more aware of how blissful it is. I love love, and I love companionship, and I think people in healthy, happy relationships are incredibly lucky. But after spending four years with someone who I loved completely , who I don't even think understood what love truly was, I am now thoroughly enjoying learning to love myself. I know that eventually I will come across an amazing man, who will truly love me for me, but I am in no hurry, and until then I am honestly enjoying this journey of self-discovery.

Since I never really took the time before to discover who I truly am, I was sort of at a loss on where I should start. I know I love art. I have been drawing since I can remember, and I recently took up painting which is just so fantastic, I can't believe I waited so long to try it. I have also always been really into journaling. Writing down my feelings has always been theraputic (as I'm sure it is for many). So I know I possess creativity in abundance, which is great for a lot of reasons, including helping my healing process. But that was really it, I didn't know what else I wanted, or needed. Who am I? Well, I didn't really share this with anyone, trying to figure it out on my own, and trying to make sense of everything, so when my two best friends came to visit me for christmas and we exchanged gifts...I was elated at what they had gotten me. Colleen got me an art journal, combining two of my favorite things, art and journaling, where I could literally doodle my way to self discovery, and Crystal got me a journal that also combined two of my favorite things, journaling and listmaking. It's called List Yourself, and it uses list making as a way to self discovery. Now Col and Crys and I have been best friends for 16 years, and when I say they know me better then I do, it's not an exaggeration. They couldn't have found more perfect gifts for me if they tried, and I was beyond excited  to finally have a way to start finding out who I am.

Naturally, I got started with both gifts right away, doodling and making lists to my hearts content, all the while learning more and more about me. I chose a couple lists from my list Yourself  journal to share. I'm sure there will be more, but these are just a few of the ones that have been my favorite so far.

List the animals that really scare you
Spiders (not an animal, but c'mon,definitely number one any list of scary things)
Racoons (they walk really weird and have really scary beady eyes. i also always assume their rabid..lol)
Poisonous snakes
Coyotes
Mountain lions
Possums (have you ever looked in a possums eyes? They are fucking terrifying)
Sharks
Weird deep sea creatures ( the fear of the unknown things in the sea has always plagued me.)
Vultures (they are gross and also have terrifying eyes, plus they will look right at you)
Scorpions
Anything with rabies (I literally have nightmares of being bit by any animal foaming at the mouth)
Mean geese (this one makes me laugh but it's true, geese are strong and fast and usually mean as hell)

List your typical daydreams
Getting a great job where I make good money.
Getting a car thats in decent shape, and one that I can also afford (nobody wants a repo)
Saving so much money that I never have to worry about bills, because they will always be paid.
Getting my own place (I have never lived by myself before and at this point I would find it liberating)
Eventually finding a man who is amazing and honest and who loves everything about me.
Being able to take a trip somewhere beautiful with my Mom.
Being able to be completely healed from the abuse that I have suffered.

List the transitions in your life that taught you the most

Graduating Highschool , deciding I didn't want to go to college, going to beauty school instead, quitting beauty school and realizing I was an adult and had to work for the rest of my life and actually pay attention to my responsibilities.

The first time I moved out on my own and realized how hard it was, then when I moved back home and had a new found respect for everything my Mom did for me.

Getting married and realizing how much work a marriage is and how marriage really does change things.

Leaving my abusive husband and realizing that no amount of companionship and alleged love is worth any amount of abuse; that feeling of strength and freedom I felt when I left is something I will never ever forget.

Some of the lists are harder to complete then others, and they all take some serious thought, but with each one I complete I learn a little more about the person I truly am. Discovering who I am is more exhilarating then I ever imagined it could be and I honestly can't wait to get to  know me better.

Better Everyday

It gets better everyday. This is my response to people when they ask me how I'm doing. It's cliche, but it's the truth. I really do feel like it gets a little better each day. I think about him a little less, I worry about him a little less, I think about myself a little more and I heal just a smidge more everyday. Unfortunately there are two things that still hang over my head. The divorce (which is really just a formality given the situation, but still a big deal) and the trial (if there actually is going to be one). As of now the trial date is set for January 27th, however, if he accepts a plea deal before then the trial won't happen. which also means that I won't have to testify again. I was implicitly clear to the Assistant district Attorney that I didn't want to testify. I had to do that at his preliminary hearing and it was a nightmare.
Here's a little bit of back story, without getting into too many uncomfortable details. The day I left was September 3rd 2013. It was the second day of a two day long off and on assault which was brought on by his impatience and anger, mixed with him not taking his meds for his schizoaffective disorder and what I speculate (after what I found when I cleaned out the apartment) may have been cocaine, which he had never done before during our relationship (as far as I knew). The first time he hit me that morning, I know I had to get out. If I didn't, he would have killed me, either by accident or on purpose, I wasn't sure, but I didn't care. my self preservation kicked in and I had to save my life.

Before this point I didn't think I could leave, or didn't want to leave because I loved him; but the evil I saw in his eyes that day was something I will never forget. And the horrific things he put me through were also unforgettable and I knew there was no coming back. I got it in my head that I would tell him I was going to work and instead I would go to the hospital. Luckily, he didn't try and stop me from leaving, but playing this sick fucking mind game, and telling him I would see him later was beyond difficult. I knew that the next time I would see him that he would be in handcuffs and standing in a courtroom. I think somewhere inside he knew that I wasn't coming back either.
My Grandmom met me in a Kmart parking lot, where I had been sitting, sobbing on the phone with my Mom. My Grandmom took me to the hospital and my best friend Crystal met me there as well. I called Crime Victims Center for an advocate and I also called the police. while waiting for everyones arrival i went through the medical process of MRI's and x-rays for my injuries. I had multiple abrasions, cuts and bruises, including a huge bruise on my arm and a sprained shoulder from where he hit me with a broomstick a huge bump on my head where he hit me with a twelve inch  metal knife sheath, and it was incredibly hard to move and breath because he punched me ridiculously hard in the ribs, and not only bruised me but injured me pretty badly internally.
When the officer got there, he took pictures and I wrote a statement. I knew I wanted to press charges. It was the only way to get him out of the house, away from my cats, and away from me. I also wanted him to be held accountable for what he did to me. It was a terrifying, incredibly tumultuous and emotional day. Back and forth from Crime Victims Center to the court house where I was able to obtain a protection from Abuse order against him. When I dropped off my statement at the police station later, He had already been arrested and his bail was set to $50,000 cash (thanks to the officer and the judge) to assure that he couldn't get out. I couldn't stand the thought of staying in my apartment so I asked my grandmom to watch my two cats and that night I stayed with crystal and her girlfriend.

As emotional as I was that day and night I was also at peace, it was weird. I felt sad, and angry, and scared and ashamed, but I also felt so much happiness about the fact that I was free. The freedom I felt that night is something I will never forget. I never had to worry about him putting his hands on me ever again. And that was the best feeling of all. I felt liberated and safe and at that moment, that was all that mattered. The next day, I went down to visit my Mom. I could have stayed with my Grandparents, or with Crystal or in a safe house, but the only place I felt safest was 2 1/2 hours away from the life I knew, with my Mom. Istayed there for about 4 days, and made the decision to quit my job and also to move out of PA. I wanted to be as far from where the abuse happened as possible. He was also in prison about 15 minutes away from the apartment and that made me nervous. So I did what I had to do.

I came back to PA for the preliminary hearing. I was confidant that morning, that i could get through it. While awaiting the hearing the officer said that my husband had seven charges against him, 5 misdemeanors and 2 felonies, including aggravated assault and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. The weapon was the 12 inch buck knife. I was in awe of the charges. I was there for the assault obviously, and i knew very well what he had put me through, but I had spent so long minimizing the abuse that I had no idea how truly horrendous what he had done to me actually was. Because the state decided to bring up four more charges against him, I was told I would have to testify...in front of him. At that moment all of my confidence went out the window and I was terrified. I knew he would be in Shackles and that he couldn't hurt me, but I still had to see him, and even worse I had to sit on that stand and re-tell the story of what he had done to me, with him sitting right there. It was as horrible as I imagined it would be and I was a mess. Luckily he wasn't allowed to look at me, but that didn't stop him from rattling his chains and coughing  loudly to try and intimidate me and my lawyer. My testimony ended and the court dropped two of the four new charges, but kept the $50,000 cash bail. He is facing nine charges now, and if it goes to trial and he is convicted, he could be facing up to ten years in prison.

While I am safe, and far away from where my nightmare took place, it is still a struggle. It's four months later and some of my bruises were so deep that they just healed. not to mention the psychological trauma. I have been diagnosed with moderate depression and PTSD. I am currently on an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medicine that is certainly helping, but can't take away what happened. It has been very hard for me to separate myself from the love I had for him. You would think that after everything I went through that I would have stopped loving him long ago, but it's nowhere near that easy. The love is fading, and I'm less sad about us, and him, but not a day goes by where I don't think about him and what we used to have.
But I made my decision the day I left, and unlike a lot of victims, I chose never to go back. I know that on September 3rd, we were done forever.
I am grateful for the strength I had and continue to have. That strength is what allows me to wake up everyday feeling confidant in my decision to leave, and that same strength saved my life.

  

New Beginnings

K..so it's three in the morning and I could probably sleep if I tried hard enough, but I can't get the idea of starting a blog out of my head. And it's not just because I had a binge-a-thon of HBO's Girls (fan-fucking-tastic show btw) and there's all that writing and shit.
My reasons for blog yearning are three fold. 1- my creativity is my outlet. Drawing, painting, singing and apparently writing all put me in my creative happy place where my stresses are released, and all is right with the world..or at least my world..for the moment. 2- I need to be in that happy place as much as possible right now, because as a survivor of domestic abuse, who is currently going through a very new, barely started divorce, from my abusive, incarcerated, eventually ex-husband who I pretty much escaped from four months ago, I desperately need to talk about what I'm going through. Therapy is okay, but it only happens once a month and I need a more constant form of venting. And finally reason number 3- While I'm not sure anyone will even read this blog, which might at times be both lengthy and heavy, I would love to think that somewhere there might be someone who reads it that I can help. Maybe someone who is in the same abusive situation I was in, and needs just a little more strength to help them leave; or even someone who was, but currently is not in an abusive relationship, but might just want someone to relate to.  Even if no one reads it, it will make me feel better, so that's a win for sure.
I definitely need this blog right now, for healing purposes. I'm hoping I will write often enough, although I'm not really sure of blog etiquette since I had one blog, once, and I wrote maybe three whole posts. In my defense though, I started that blog (delusionally named Happily Ever After) based on my giddiness about my new marriage. Ironic right? and while at that time the relationship wasn't as abusive or as terrible as it ended up, somewhere deep inside I knew it was and always had been astronomically far away from "happily ever after". And now that I look back on the whole thing, we probably never should have gotten married and I obviously should have left the first time he hit me. But excuses and love kept me around. And those two assholes also convinced me that getting married would solve things...since you know...that's always the answer to a shitty relationship (side bar...that was sarcasm, so I hope hope if your reading this, you both get and also enjoy sarcasm). I digress, I guess all that shittyness didn't give me much motivation to write (or lie) about how not shitty things were. There was a decent period of time when things, in fact, weren't shitty at all,  but again, I think I knew in my gut that they wouldn't stay that way, so my life at that time was definitely not blog worthy.
This journey though, my journey, of literally starting over and finding out who I really am, amidst ending my marriage and trying to heal from everything that's happened...this needs a blog. And I need another happy place. So this blog will be just that. Now, since it's well past three and my cat just woke up to look at me with an attitude, clearly annoyed that I am typing too loud, I believe that that's my cue to finally go to sleep.