My Mom

I can't imagine what my life would be like without my family and friends, most especially my Mom. Growing up, while I loved my Mom, and definitely valued our relationship, I also think I took for granted a lot that she did for me. I can't imagine how hard it must be for a single Mom to raise her daughter living paycheck to paycheck, but my Mom did it, and I never wanted for anything. I wasn't spoiled by any means, but my Mom always made sure I always had everything I needed, including a fantastic role model, a wonderful friend, and the best Mom that anyone could ask for. She always listened to me and gave me the best advice, but at the same time, she gave me space to be my own person and also let me make my own mistakes (and boy did I make plenty, lol) and she always helped me learn from them.

Being a teenager that obviously knew everything, I went through those stages where my Mom couldn't tell me shit, and I was always right. However, once I moved out for the first time and actually had to pay bills (or tried to) and support a household on very little, I quickly realized, not only how hard it is, but just how hard my Mom had to work to make our lives what they were.

I have to think that it's common for kids to grow up and gain a new found respect for their parents, once they actually have to start accepting their responsibilities and especially when they move out for the first time. Like a lot of young adults, I quickly realized that, not only was I not always right about everything (go figure) but also that my Mom really did know best. She's smart, resilient and strong as hell, and I credit her for helping me become the woman that I am today. She never thought twice about telling me how proud she was of me, and she never thought twice about letting me know when I was doing something not so great, but through it all, she still gave me the space I needed to become me.

The morning I left my husband, the first person I called was her. 8 am and 2 1/2 hours away, I called her just because I needed to hear her voice. And while there was nothing she could physically do for me at the moment, I just needed her to tell me hat everything would be okay, and she did. She's pretty intuitive, and while she knew that something with my marriage wasn't right, I never let her know the truth about what was going on, until that morning. I know how terrifying everything was for me, and I can't imagine how she must have felt sitting on the phone so far away from me when I told her that my husband was abusive, and that I literally just escaped from him. But whatever she felt, fear, sadness, anger at him, whatever emotions she was going through, the only thing she let me hear in her voice was support. As I sat sobbing in the freakin Kmart parking lot, at the worst time in my life, she told me she was happy that I was out of that situation, and that she loved me, and that she was proud of me for having the strength to leave. Those words meant more to me at that moment, than anything that anyone could have said.

I was terrified to tell her everything, mostly because I had been lying to her for four years, and I hated every minute of it. She was the first person I told, and it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. She stayed so calm, which gave me the opportunity to just let go, which I needed to do. And even though she was crying with me, and for me, I heard nothing but love in her voice, and enough strength for the both of us. She called my Grandmom to come meet me, and called me back to give me step by step instructions about going to the hospital and calling CVC and the police. And throughout that entire day, she was with me every step of the way, even if she couldn't physically be there.

I had a lot of decisions to make over the next few days and she was supportive of all of them. She too was a victim of domestic assault (a former boyfriend) and still dealing with PTSD, she knew the toll that a situation like this could take, and how quickly one's circumstances could change, and also how difficult the decisions can be, even when circumstances change for the better. So in the most difficult time of my life, she offered me her home, her advice and her unconditional love...no judgments included.

My healing process has not been easy, including my horrendous outbursts of anger I experienced (due to depression and PTSD) before I got my medicine. And I felt terrible that my Mom had to even be around it, but she understood, and she never faltered. She was my rock, and still is.

In my List Yourself journal there is a list that would be perfect to share in this post...

List the things you'd like to say to your Mother
1. You're the reason I turned out so well.
2. I admire your strength.
3. I wish I had your work ethic.
4. Sorry you had to put up with my temper and my ever changing moods.
5. Thank you for always making sure I always had everything I needed, even if it meant that you went without.
6. Your positivity inspires me.
7. I admire the fact that you're an independent woman who doesn't need a man in her life to make her happy.
8. You are one of my best friends.
9. I could not have made it through these last four months without you.
10. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me.

I am beyond lucky to have such an amazing woman as my Mom, and I am truly grateful for everything she has done for me, past and present. She is helping me heal, and everyday, she continues to give me the loving support I need to help me become myself again. And I know that throughout this journey, through all the ups and the downs that I will have (hopefully more ups than downs) that I will always have my amazing Mom in my corner. <3